Healing from trauma is not linear

Next week I have to have surgery to remove a lump from my breast.

 

The lump is benign (not cancer), I’ve already had a biopsy done to confirm that, but the specialists say it’s best to remove it as it’s of considerable size (28mm) and could hide more serious lumps from being seen in scans in the future.

 

This process started with a mammogram. Those who know what I’ve been through over the last 7 years might understand how the instruction to go into a small room and get changed into a gown was a major trigger for me. But I had done it once since ‘all that stuff’ happened, so I hadn’t thought too much about it, and assumed I’d be fine.

 

I took a deep breath, looked around for hidden cameras, then faced the wall and changed into the gown. I exhaled and felt like I was okay.

 

I returned to the examination room and the radiographer started talking about the scan and about lumps and about breasts. At that point it all just overwhelmed me. My eyes welled with tears. And then I couldn’t stop. I covered my mouth and the tears started to fall. I tried to signal to the shocked radiographer that I was okay, and then as I regained composure I explained how getting changed into a gown is a trigger for me, spitting it out a few words at a time in between sobs.

 

This incident reminded me that healing from trauma is not linear. Even when you think you have moved through a certain trigger, it can come back to bite you on the butt when you least expect it.

 

You don’t get a bit better every day until the healing is complete. Some days feel better, some feel worse. At times you can recognise your progress, at times it feels like you’ve gone backwards.

 

You’re human. Life is full of ebbs and flows. You’re doing great.